Letting Go

Letting Go

For myself

It took me along time to forgive my self and not feel like I was the reason Faith was born premature and for all the problems she has now. I use to cry why this happened  I was a healthy woman did not smoke and drink a lot, she was planned as well. I fought with myself all the time and felt like i owed her something. Maybe time or had to now give more than my all cause i felt so bad. Then after many years of backward and forward fighting with myself and hoping my husband and everyone else might not think also it was my body that was not working. Not doing what it is suppose to do. I realized like a light bulb that i need to stop beating myself up. Crap happens, to put it bluntly. I have always before Faith was born and still now 11 years later done whatever i can to be there for her in any way possible. It doesn't matter she has these problems, she is healthy , loved and blessed and she is where she is now through all the hard work, effort and sacrifice my self and husband have put in. That Faith is my Gift from God. Maybe to make me a stronger person, or a more dedicated person. I don't know. God has his reasons . 

So it is OK to cry about it, and get angry and to let it all out. That's how we heal. We don't get to, do we, cause we go in to survival mode and just do what  we have to do and people forget about how this traumatic thing has affected us, because everyone concentrated on the baby and forget that it affects us as well. So Let it Go and Let it Be and let Life move on .

For my child

We hold on a little more than other parents do, don't we. We worry more, we check more, we sort out things more, we help more. It's all because we know they have difficulties and to try and find the balance to let them go and be a little more independent is difficult. It is easy for others to talk. When you don't have to worry how your child feels, acts or re acts to every situation, how she cant do, maybe can do some activities. How every thing in her life you are a part of. How do you just let go. When, what age do you do that. You know what!. 

WHENEVER YOU FEEL YOU READY.

Faith and I are very close , have been from birth. My bond with her , all we do her knowing I'm there for her each and every step of the way will make her a more secure and confident person. I know when she feels she can ,she herself will say " Mom it is OK i want to do this" and there it will start slowly and then we slowly know it all will be OK. Our kids have had a rougher start to life so the same rules do not apply. The baby books did not help me at all when Faith was 640g. It was trial and error. So let go of your child when you and her feel the right time is, not when friends or family say so. You both have been through a traumatic experience and no one will be able to fully understand the emotional drama that arises from this. I know when Faith is a teenager and then an adult . Our bond is going be even better, because i was interested in everything she did and i was there to talk to and that will never change no matter how old she gets.

Quote for today

“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done. But what's yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it'll fall from the sky and hit you in the head real hard and that time, you won't have to put it back in the sky again.” 
― C. JoyBell C.